and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
