i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
we're so committed to being not committed
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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