I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
