I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
COCAINE IS GR8
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
