This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
