Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
