Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
