You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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