Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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