How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize