At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
