He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize