He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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