I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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