i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
