My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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