I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
