I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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