so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
