my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
