He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
