Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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