my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
