I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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