problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
