3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
