My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
