i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
