they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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