i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
