I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
