I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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