hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I want a musical about memes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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