Soap is not a condiment
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
