I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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