drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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