I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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