You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
