i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The uberlube is also flammable
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
