So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
