Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So squirting runs in the family.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
