i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
