Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
