Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
