On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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