If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
