Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
