i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
