I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
