don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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