Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
