Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
